Sometimes I really wonder how your person is like. Good or bad? The things you do, does it really comes for good or evil. Been telling myself that you are not this kind of person. However, the actions that you have done, always makes me doubt my opinion about you. After so many years.......... haiiiiii
In the past, no matter how helpless I feel, I will still not be afraid because I know there will still be someone there for me. This time round, I really feel so damn helpless. I feel like I'm falling back. Drifting away from everyone, everything. Finding someone to be my listening ear, giving me a hug without any words being spoken is all I need. Guess what, after scrolling my contact list, there isn't anyone. Even if there is, they will still say they are not free. A simple are you ok would be just fine, I'm not expecting any long conversations or anything. It's just the sincerity that matters. I know I can't always expect everyone to give in to me, but I'm always the one who is being treated as invisible, what's new.
I've really tried very hard to smile and put myself in great shape. However, I'm already at my wit's end. I did really hang it there, despite standing at the edge of my life. I was once so brave and a happy-go-lucky kind of girl. Why am I like this now? I know friends around me are very xinku about it as well. Always cry and let them feel so why-do-you-have-to-spoil-the-mood feelings. One small little thing can't make me cry, is the pain that I remembered, the pain of losing you, you guys, family, feeling alone. Everything always just came gushing back and tears just weld up in my eyes before I know it. I know everyone says that I'm not alone, but I will always be ended up like a backup to others. Things that happens lately assure me that I was not wrong. I'm not gonna say it because I will just have to bottle up into my heart. Just have to add them to the pile of troubles I have. I will be telling someone, ohh.. sorry, there isn't anyone already.
我好累。我真的好累。我不知道因该怎么办。每一次看到所有人都好开心，我都好羡慕喔。我知道这是我的问题，我也可以一样很开心，可是不管我多努力，我还是不能忘记所有的一切。我真的好希望好希望有人能把这所有的所有都给弄不见。求求你好不好？
Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh, I'm falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the girl I am.. isn't me.
You want me to act like we have never kissed, you want to forget and pretend like we have not met, and I've tried, I've tried, however when you walked by and i fall to pieces.
It's sad that people you now, became people you knew.
When you can walk right pass someone, like they were never a big part of your life. How you used to be able to talk and how now, you can barely even look at them.
When I'm alone, I think.
When I think, I remember.
When I remember I feel pain.
When I feel pain, I cry.
When I cry, I can't stop.
To tell you the truth, I've just been avoiding everything.
I think I'm afraid of being happy because everytime I'm happy, something bad always happens.
I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years, or just not exist, or just not be aware that you do exist, or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.
Have you ever felt so alone and nothing makes sense? Well that's how I feel right now...I feel like I'm facing everything myself, with nothing but tears and a fake smile...
When I cry at night, the only thing I can think to myself is...how can I seem so---perfectly fine in the morning. Why do I smile like nothing is wrong? And how does not one single person notice that I'm not okay?
I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any more of me left. Everything that ever cause a tear to trickle down my cheeks, I run away and hide from it. But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me. And I don't know what to do. I just know that the pain I felt so long ago, it's hurting ten times more.
I'm not saying I have nothing. I'm not saying I'm gone completely. It's just sometimes it's all a bit too much to handle. Sometimes I feel like it's too much. I'm not going to do anything stupid because I know it will get better, it has to right? Otherwise there wouldn't be anyone who would live past their teenage years. But for now, just for now, it hurts.
Teardrops slowly fall from my eyes as I look to the sky, and I question how come life keeps passing me right on by. I just wonder why I can't escape, is this my fate? To always be unhappy and how much longer must I wait...
Words hurt more than anything else can, because they last, sometimes forever.
And the words that you said today, really hurts, and this is going to hurt forever.
Loved, Desiree ♥
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